Fox Mulder:
No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully:
There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

Walter Skinner:
<teeth clenched>  You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!
 
CSM:
<blows puff of smoke> There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek:
Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers:
It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly:
It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike:
<snapping a photo> I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder:
It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

Mrs. Mulder:
I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully:
I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully:
The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good.  It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.:
One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.:
Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Queequeg:
Woof! (translation: to avoid being eaten by Big Blue.)

Agent Pendrell:
To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man:
It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat:
Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago.
Trust no fowl.

X:
The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

Marita Covarrubias:
I don't know how much I can tell you about the chicken....
Oh yessssss, the chickenssssss.  How much time do you have?

Jeremiah Smith:
I can't tell you right now why the chicken crossed the road,
but if you come with me, I'll show you....

The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter:
Tell me where the chicken is!

Danny (Mulder's FBI inside man):
Because it needed to get a better look at a license plate.

                               ~~~

PILOT

Section Chief Blevins:
We trust that the chicken made the proper decision about
crossing the road.

DEEP THROAT

Mrs Budahas:
That <gasp, shudder> is *not* my chicken

Emil and Zoe:
I dunno, but I sure hope he stayed away from the - heh heh -
*landmines* and junk!

SQUEEZE

Tom Colton:
At this point I'm willing to accept any theory as to why the
chicken crossed the road--any sane theory.  I'm sorry, Dana,
but I only want qualified chickens at the intersection.

Eugene Tooms:
Mmm...pate...

Det. Frank Briggs:
I've been waiting...sixty years...for the chicken to cross that
road.

CONDUIT

Darlene Morris:
Why do you want to know? So that the chicken can face the same
ridicule I did years ago when *I* crossed the road? You stay away
from my chicken.

THE JERSEY DEVIL

Ellen:
Well - first it had to get a life. And...a rooster.

Rob:
I don't know, but I don't suppose you want to hear about the finer
points of the state planning and taxation?

GHOST IN THE MACHINE

Brad Wilczek:
Chickens enjoy walking down unpredictable avenues, turning new
corners, but, as a general rule, chickens never cross roads.

FALLEN ANGEL

Commander Henderson:
Get this chicken out of my sight!

Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center:
The chicken seems to be hovering over a small road in
eastern Wisconsin.

EVE

Eves:
It just knew.

FIRE

Phoebe Greene:
Did the chicken have a date, 'cause if not... I could always...

Cecil L'ively:
It was dying for a cigarette.

BEYOND THE SEA

Luther Lee Boggs:
I can see... the chicken; yes, the chicken, is in pain, great pain,
and oh god! The Road!  He's going to cross the road!!

GENDERBENDER

Brother Andrew:
The chicken left its peaceful community of brothers and sisters
and crossed the road to become one of you . . . to enjoy
pleasures we can't.

Michael:
The road's touch was electric....but after that, the chicken
remembers, only vaguely. Crossing the road used to be so simple!

LAZARUS

Jack Willis:
I don't know....I think I remember why it crossed the road...
No! No! I don't care about that chicken anymore!!!

YOUNG AT HEART

John Barnett:
<breath> Man... I'm *everywhere* that chicken is... <breath>

MIRACLE MAN

Rev. Cal Hartley:
The chicken crossed to be HEALED! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
GOD is with the chicken! Amen...

SHAPES

Indian man:
He should have been called... Feathered Chicken...
or Flying Chicken, not Crossing Chicken.

DARKNESS FALLS

Doug Spinney:
The chicken crossed the road because its natural habitat was
being methodically destroyed by clearcuts and illegal logging...
within ten years, we won't have any forests *or* chickens left!

BORN AGAIN

Michelle Bishop:
*I* made the chicken cross the road.

Detective Sharon Lazard:
There's no way the chicken crossed the road on its own. I've
known that chicken for years, and it would never do that.

ROLAND

Chickens cross roads. But they're not supposed to get run down.

BLOOD

Ed Funsch:
It was ordered to by its microwave oven.

DUANE BARRY

I don't know... it just had to go...Please, I'm askin' ya not to
stop it from crossing the road... it just has to go!!!!!!!

3

Kristin Kilar:
The chicken won't cross the road.  It's not who he is.  It
doesn't make him happy.

AUBREY

BJ Morrow:
It saw a dog digging in the field across the road.

IRRESISTIBLE

Donnie Pfaster:
Were its feathers normal, or dry?

Agent Bocks:
It shot across the road to see what's the what.

Karen Kosseff (speaking to the chicken):
How does crossing the road make you feel? What are your fears about
crossing the road? Are you afraid of failing the rooster?

COLONY

The Gregors:
That chicken was the last remaining.  Unless you protect it,
it is already dead.

Rev. Sistrunk:
You're asking me if chicken roasts on hell's barbecue for
crossing the road?

FEARFUL SYMMETRY

Sophie the Gorilla:
Chicken go crossing road.

HUMBUG

Mr. Nutt:
Just because you have a chicken, you automatically assume that
it will cross the road?  In an attempt to continue an age-old joke
that never had any humor in the first place, you've only managed
to further trample on the subject... and draw it out in all its
mediocrity.  When in fact - do you really know if the chicken
had better things to do than simply cross the road?  That perhaps
it may have gone off to study, to gain a better life?  But no, you
just took the simple framework of common knowledge, and *assumed*
that the chicken would cross the road, thus increasing an
already clichéd stereotype.

The Conundrum:
<burp>

Dr. Blockhead:
It's a mystery. And some mysteries were never meant to be solved.

THE CALUSARI

Charlie/Michael Holvey:
The chicken wants to cross the road, Mommy. *Now*.

OUR TOWN

Workers at Chaco Chicken:
A chicken?  That wasn't a chicken, that was the Mayor...

ANASAZI

CC's FBI Agent:
The chicken crossed the road? Wasn't the chicken originally
assigned to remain at the *side* of the road?

THE BLESSING WAY/PAPER CLIP

Albert Hosteen:
There is an ancient Indian saying that a chicken lives only as
long as the last person that remembers it crossing the road.

Dr. Pomerantz:
The chicken told me about its experience of crossing the road...
It was afraid... but it didn't die. Someone must have cared for the
chicken... It had to get back to that safe place we talked about.

Luis Cardinal:
We got the wrong chicken!

D.P.O.

Because it was in for a little barbecue, heh-heh.

CLYDE BRUCKMAN'S FINAL REPOSE

The Stupendous Yappi:
The chicken feels it is not in control of its own destiny. It has
feathers - somewhere on its body. It recently laid an egg - or not.
<raises eyebrow> Here - it tries to force itself onto the road!
But...it cannot cross the road...it is incompetent.

Clyde Bruckman:
Why did the chicken cross the road?  Why do any of us do
anything?  Why did he choose that exact moment to cross the
road, thus leaving a slight indentation in the surface...
that, fifty years later, causes a man driving a blue sports
car to hit it, and spin off the road, spiraling to his death...

Madame Zelma:
Madame Zelma, she is a fortune-teller, NOT a chicken keeper.

THE LIST

Napleon "Neech" Manley:
To avenge all the petty tyranny and the cruelty it has suffered.

2SHY

Virgil Incanto:
Mmm... Schmaltz.

OUBLIETTE

Lucy Householder:
I don't know nothin' about no chicken. If I'm your last hope...
then that chicken's in a lot more trouble than you think.

NISEI/731

Japanese diplomat:
To be fitted out for a pillowcase.

WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES

Dr. Bambi:
To eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. Who cares about the road...
what bugs did the chicken eat for lunch?

Dr. Ivanov:
I don't know much about... *chickens*.  What is it?

Stoner Guy:
Woah, man.  The chicken's crawling up inside your arm.
That's wrong, dude.

SYZYGY

Det. White:
To solve the mystery of the horned chicken.

Terri:
The chicken killed Mr. Tippy!!
Margi:
Hate him, hate him, wouldn't wanna date him!

Madame Zirinka:
You want me to tell you why the chicken crossed the road?
Business hours are nine to five, all major credit cards accepted.

GROTESQUE

Agent Bill Patterson:
To really understand the chicken's motivation, you must get inside
its head and risk letting the chicken into yours.

PUSHER

Robert Modell:
The other side of the road looks very interesting. The sky looks so
blue on that side. Cerulean blue. I bet you want to go to the other
side of the road. The chicken's right over there, waiting. Go on,
cross the road...

Holly:
I don't know why the chicken did it!  I'm so, so sorry, sir...
I'm so sorry...

JOSE CHUNG'S FROM OUTER SPACE

Jose Chung:
I interviewed the chicken several times, over the course of
three weeks, and each time I interviewed him, I got a different
answer!  Truth is as subjective as reality!  By the way, do you
know if he prefers the term 'crosser' or 'transportee'?

The Men in Black:
No object is more often mistaken for a chicken than the planet
Venus. You never saw a chicken.

Det. Manners:
Does anyone give a bleep why the bleepin' chicken crossed the
road? Who the bleep cares? By the way, someone called to say
they found a real live bleepin' chicken body.

Lord Kinbote:
No harm will come unto the chicken. The chicken's efforts are needed
for the survival of all earth-chickens. Come, I will showeth thee
the chicken.

Lt. Jack Schaeffer:
The chicken did NOT cross the road...the chicken did NOT
cross the road...

Blaine Faulkner:
It wasn't a chicken.  It was a MIB sent in by the *proper
authorities* disguised as a chicken, and it wasn't pulling it
off.  Like, it was yellow, but a little *too* yellow, you know?

Roky Crikenson:
This may sound kinda crazy but the chicken wanted to be abducted
by aliens. So that he wouldn't have to get a job or anything.

QUAGMIRE

Stoner Dude:
Mannn... 'cause there were all these arrows, and stuff-- and
they were just telling the chicken to go, man...  just go...

HOME

Mrs. Peacock:
I kin tell you don't have no chickins of yer own. Otherwaz you'd
unnerstan' the prad, the luv, whin you know yer chickins'd do
anithin' fer their keeper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
The day that chicken crossed the road... I knew the day had come
and my home would never be the same...

Peacock Brothers:
To raise and breed its own stock, if you know what I mean.

UNRUHE

Gerry Schnauz:
Because it needed to get rid of the Howlers.  Er hat
unruhe....

THE FIELD WHERE I DIED

Melissa Redell:
Once, long ago, the chicken and I stood by this road -
this is the road where I watched the chicken cross.

Sydney:
I don't know why!  Why don't you just leave the chicken
alone!  Leave it alone!  It's already been through too much...

PAPER HEARTS

John Lee Roche:
I can tell you about the chicken... but you need to help me.
I want a deal.  Trust a chicken molester?

TUNGUSKA/TERMA

Member of Congress:
Answer the question, Miss Road: Where is the chicken,
and why is it not here?

EL MUNDO GIRA

Soledad Buente:
Because his brother betrayed him.

NEVER AGAIN

Betty:
Another chicken in my bed! If it crosses the road, it's dead!!!

Ed Jerse:
Can you hear that? She's driving me crazy...She's so
jealous...she hates it when chickens cross the road...

LEONARD BETTS

He's sorry.  But the road had something he needed.

MEMENTO MORI

Dr. Scanlon:
The chicken's going to feel like dying.

Kurt Crawford:
I saw several chickens, and they were all wearing white lab coats
and were headed for the Lombard Research Facility... After all,
they want the same thing you want...

TEMPUS FUGIT/MAX

Sharon Graffia:
The chicken wrote to me.. just before he crossed the road. He
knew what was going to happen.

Sgt. Frisch:
<nervous> I did it.  I made the chicken cross the road.

Max Fenig:
So, I’ve devoted my life to providing all you disbelievers out there
with proof. Proof that there are chickens right now, as we speak,
crossing the road in alien ships for purposes of a rather troubling
agenda known only to the government, the FBI, and certain high-ranking
members of the military/poultry community. Not that they’d ever admit
it publicly... of course. Nor would they admit they have salvaged some
of this poultry technology and are using it in military applications.
No, that would be un-American. And they won’t admit it until someone
confronts them with unrefutable, undeniable proof. Someone like me.
And I should probably mention that I do this at great risk to my
personal health and safety. But, hey, when everyday is just another
day you’re going to be kidnapped by little feathered dudes from Foster
Farms, what’s a few CIA spooks to worry about?

SMALL POTATOES

Eddie Van Blundht:
Let's just say hypothetically that the chicken did cross
the road.  Now if that's what the road wanted and nobody
got hurt, then hypothetically where's the crime?  <Hmmm...
wonder if I can morph my skin to look like feathers???>

ELEGY

Chuck Forsch:
Oooh!  That was me, I did it! I admit it, I did it!  I made the
chicken cross the road! I'm just a human being after all!

GETHSEMANE

Michael Kritschgau:
The chicken was an elaborate hoax all along, planted so that you
would believe the lie that chickens existed.

                                  ~~~

Chris Carter:
You'll have to wait until the movie comes out next summer to find out.

Howard Gordon:
Because it was too tired to work anymore.

Morgan & Wong:
Well, it had left this road to pursue another path, but it came
to a dead end, so it returned home to the old road. Now that it
was back on that road, though, it didn't seem the same, so
eventually it saw a road that it really wanted to be on, and vowed
to never again return to the original road.

Darin Morgan:
Because he saw the comic potential of introducing such a novel concept.

John Shiban:
Because it was being chased by El Chupacabra.

Vince Gilligan:
Crossing the road was true to the chicken's nature. It was familiar,
something that he had done before.

Fanfic writer:
Because Chris Carter wasn't letting it go anywhere,
and it needed someone to let it cross.

X-Phile:
Maybe the chicken is so fed up waiting for the %@#&*@ premeire
that it decided to go play in traffic.

Non X-Phile:
Who cares?  It's just a stupid chicken!  It's fictional!
Why the heck are you so concerned about chickens, anyway?
I just don't see what you see in this whole thing!

Shipper:
The chicken and the road had undeniable chemistry and
were fated to cross.

NoRoMo:
I can't understand why you people can't be satisfied with the
chicken walking by the side of the road. Why does the chicken
have to cross the road? Why are you focusing on that? It would
ruin the chicken!

Jackie St. George:
To get a bottle of Labatt's.
 

~FINIS~
 

We hope you enjoyed the chicken.
 

"The X Files Answer to the Eternal Question: Why Did the Chicken
Cross the Road?" was edited and compiled by Wherever, with contributions
by the following victims of hiatus fever:

Anne Marie ([email protected]): Sgt. Frish
Anya: Member of Congress, Luther Boggs, EVB, the Eves, the MIB
Balthasar: Bill Mulder
Ben: Betty tattoo
Clare ([email protected]) Rev. Cal Hartley, Lord Kinbote
Chris ([email protected]): Max Fenig
GreenFish: Clyde Bruckman, Fanfic writer, Non X-Phile, Gerry
  Schnauz, Danny, Mme. Zirinka, Mr. Nutt, Howard Gordon,
  Amanda Nelligan, Stoner Dude, Jose Chung, Sydney, Holly,
  Dr. Ivanov, Roche
Giselle de la Moriniere ([email protected]) Lt. Jack Schaeffer
Heather Hutchison ([email protected]): Albert Hosteen
Jared: Deep Throat
Jenna: Mulder, Bill Scully Sr., Agent Bocks, WMM, Jeremiah Smith,
  Det. White, Melissa Redell, Donnie Pfaster, Ed Jerse, the MIB,
  Shipper, NoRoMo, GoatBoy, St. Vince, M & W, Michael, Cmdr.
  Henderson, Dr. Blockhead, Blevins, Det. Lazard
Jennifer Sorowitz ([email protected]): Virgil Incanto,
  Byers, Langly, Frohike, Napleon "Neech" Manley
Jodie: Duane Barry
Jon ([email protected]): Tooms, Karen Kosseff, Mrs. Peacock
Karen: the Men in Black
Katherine Jennings ([email protected]): Kritschgau, The Gregors,
  X, Woman at the U.S. Space Surveillance Center, Tom Colton
Kelly: The Conundrum
Kelly Frieders: Scully, Skinner, CSM, The Lone Gunmen, Krycek,
  Bill Scully Jr.
Kristel ([email protected]): Bill Mulder, Mrs. Mulder,
  Mrs. Scully, Melissa Scully, Bounty Hunter, X
Lesley: The Stupendous Yappi
Lilly: Pendrell, Marita Covarrubias, Jackie St. George
Lisa: Chuck Forsch
Maria ([email protected]): Kurt Crawford
Michelle: Stoner guy, Blaine
Nancy Lemieux ([email protected]) Queequeg, EVB, Deep Throat,
  Phoebe Green, Dr. Bambi, Darin Morgan, Ice worm, CC
Nic van Dam ([email protected]): Chaco
Nessie: Det. Frank Briggs, Brad Wilczek, Howard Graves, Mrs. Budahas,
  Darlene Morris, Lucy Householder, Japanese guy, Sheriff Taylor,
  Peacock Brothers, Ellen, Madame Zelma, Dr. Banton, Guy from Shapes,
  Roland, Jack Willis, John Barnett, Rob, Stoner Kids, BJ Morrow,
  Charlie/Michael Holvey, CC's FBI Agent, Luis Cardinal, Dr. Scanlon,
  Sharon Graffia, Dr. Pomerantz, Roky, Rev. Sistrunk
Paula: Dr. Bambi, X-Phile
The Purple Rhino ([email protected]): Modell, Det. Manners
ruthie: Terry & Margi
Sarah D.: Kristin Kilar, Melissa Redell, Leonard Betts, Soledad, EVB
sneakers ([email protected]): D.P.O., Cecil L'ively, Brother
  Andrew, Doug Spinney, Michele Bishop, Ed Funsch, Sophie the Gorilla
TifF: Marita Covarrubias
Trina: Agent Patterson

(If a character is listed for more than one author, it indicates that
both authors contributed to that quote.)

Please send all comments, flames, and blunt instruments to
[email protected]
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